1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,038 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend... 2 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,474 Neither man is actually offering you a relationship. 3 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,708 Is it neither or kind of both? 4 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,742 GREG: You sold our house? 5 00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:09,843 I'm giving you half the money. 6 00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:13,081 So you can go to school. Y-Your dream school, Emory. 7 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:15,249 I can't just pick up and move across the country 8 00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:16,717 out of nowhere, I'm not crazy. 9 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,751 This is just a fight, this is a fight. 10 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,053 All couples fight. No, 11 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,621 we're not a couple, Rebecca. 12 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,555 REBECCA: And it's about me and Greg. 13 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:22,590 I mean, him and me getting together, 14 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,392 it's the most obvious thing in the world. 15 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,360 What? 16 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:28,296 Wait, wait, wait! 17 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,332 Wait! What happened? Where are you going? 18 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,267 I am applying to law school! 19 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,602 I don't want to know. 20 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,604 DARRYL: You start this semester. 21 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:37,738 Nothing can stop you, Paula. 22 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,373 Not anymore. 23 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,142 I was gonna spread my wings and fly. 24 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,377 I'm so stupid. 25 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,246 Greg, wait, wait! 26 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,115 Wait! 27 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,782 What happened? Where are you going? 28 00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,619 To Emory. 29 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,287 Finally. What? 30 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:56,790 But Greg-- Greg, you and I were gonna start over. 31 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,559 Me seeing you on that bridge, 32 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,161 that was a sign. 33 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,829 That we should be together. 34 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,532 I want to believe that. 35 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:05,833 I do. 36 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,701 But that's not how life works. 37 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:08,736 Rebecca, 38 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,205 there are no signs. 39 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,207 Life doesn't happen to you. 40 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,676 You make decisions. 41 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:19,647 And right now, I'm deciding to move forward with my life. 42 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,886 But you can't deny our feelings for each other. 43 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:29,890 You and I have had some great moments together. 44 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,559 Some of the best of my life. 45 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,229 But in between that, 46 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,431 it got confusing and hard, 47 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,567 and bad for both of us. 48 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,603 So you were just gonna leave without saying goodbye to me? 49 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,905 I couldn't say goodbye. 50 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,241 If I did, I would never leave. 51 00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,377 So that means you love me. 52 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,812 Of course I love you. 53 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,684 * I love you, yes 54 00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,886 * And I'll confess 55 00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:03,591 * The thought of staying is so enticing * 56 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:04,592 Then stay. 57 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,295 * And when you speak 58 00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,398 * My knees get weak 59 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:15,203 * I can't believe what I'm sacrificing * 60 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,806 * But let's get real 61 00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:22,310 * We know the deal 62 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,445 * So darling 63 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,714 * Let's not tiptoe 64 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,717 * This thing we had 65 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,453 * Was not just bad 66 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,456 * It was a (bleep) show 67 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,558 Greg, come on, it wasn't exactly... 68 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,892 Shh, let me finish. 69 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,763 * We can't undo 70 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,733 * Can't make amends 71 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:51,439 * Dysfunction is our lingua franca * 72 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,774 * We can't unscrew 73 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,977 * Each other's friends 74 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,513 * We're Jerry Springer * 75 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,615 * Not Casablanca * 76 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:05,386 * There's hard to get 77 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,621 * Then there's neglect 78 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,258 * To say it's fate 79 00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:13,294 * You'd have to be a bit slow 80 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,664 * Not to be crass 81 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,267 * But this sucked ass 82 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:23,304 * This was a (bleep) show 83 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,506 * Chernobyl next to us 84 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,974 * Looks like a campfire 85 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,809 Okay, I-I get it. I get it. 86 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,878 * Hurricane Katrina 87 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:34,248 * Was just bad weather 88 00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,884 * We have chemistry of course 89 00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,987 * But that's a formula for divorce * 90 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,656 * A play about pieces of feces 91 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:47,861 * Is what we are together 92 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,663 But Greg... 93 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:52,433 * Oh, what the hell 94 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,368 * Let's get a hotel 95 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,870 * 'Cause life is short 96 00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,741 * And we're not getting any younger * 97 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,377 * But after sex 98 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,680 * What happens next 99 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,916 * I mean in the long run 100 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,919 * Not just fatigue and hunger * 101 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,822 * And when you say 102 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,958 * That I should stay 103 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:22,830 * That's exactly when I should split * 104 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:26,434 * Though I won't forget 105 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:31,038 * I won't regret 106 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,941 * This beautiful, heart stopping * 107 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:37,345 * Breathtaking, life-changing. * 108 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:43,717 (instrumental music continues) 109 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,476 Captioning sponsored by CBS 110 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,478 And TOYOTA. 111 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,413 (sniffles) 112 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,817 PAULA: Here's some tea, doll. 113 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,821 What's wrong with me? 114 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,525 Why doesn't anyone want me? 115 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,928 Josh dumped me and then... 116 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,963 and then Greg abandoned me. 117 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,366 Okay, that is not the situation... 118 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,367 Yes, it is! 119 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,370 He left and he called our relationship feces. 120 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,705 Okay, well maybe he didn't, 121 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,573 you know, use the best words, 122 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:40,974 but I mean, that's why he's going back to school. 123 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,643 And, 124 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,078 I'm sorry, but you guys are not good for each other. 125 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,980 He needed to move on and... 126 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,383 good for him for taking that step. 127 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,651 (sniffles) 128 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,786 I hope he dies. 129 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,523 If he ever comes back, I'm just gonna be like, "Die!" 130 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,791 Okay, let it-- let it go. 131 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:58,926 Let Greg go. 132 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,828 Just let both of them go. 133 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:05,098 I don't know who I am without them. 134 00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,667 I know that's pathetic. 135 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,936 I know it's pathetic, but it's true. 136 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,939 Who am I supposed to be now? 137 00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,775 Honey, be yourself. 138 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,109 What?! 139 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,611 Who? No! 140 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,779 Ew. 141 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,514 Ugh. Who wants to be that? 142 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,484 Paula, you just don't understand. 143 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,185 You don't know what it's like to be at a crossroads, 144 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,556 and not know what to do next. 145 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,592 You're right, honey. 146 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,161 I don't. 147 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,200 ANNOUNCER (on TV): ...with it now 148 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,169 across the centerline as the defense settles in... 149 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:45,673 Turn the TV down! I can't think! 150 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,909 Mom, I'm starving. 151 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,644 (refrigerator opens) We just had dinner. 152 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,645 Babe, do we have stamps? 153 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,081 I don't know, did you buy them? 154 00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,616 (refrigerator closes) 155 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,419 Mmm. 156 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,690 Ma, don't wake me up in the morning. 157 00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,558 I can sleep in. I got suspended. 158 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,693 Not my fault. 159 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:06,594 I was playing with my lighter 160 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,061 and some kid got his book in my fire. 161 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,633 Brendan, I am so disappointed in you. 162 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:15,869 Put that on some bread. 163 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,004 (sighs) 164 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:24,678 He gets suspended and you yell at him for eating naked cheese? 165 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,482 You're in that mood, huh? 166 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,183 You-you want a chardonnay? 167 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,152 You know I can't. Oh, it won't hurt. 168 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,154 You're only a little bit pregnant. 169 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,758 Oh, right, 'cause we only had a little bit of intercourse. 170 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,761 You, uh, sure you want another baby? 171 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,663 There are options, you know. 172 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,798 We just won't mention it to Father Brah 173 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,599 and he won't tell God. 174 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,801 Scott, I am a married mother of two. 175 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,269 Okay, those options are for teenagers 176 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,739 the month after winter formal. 177 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,641 You know who I think you should talk to? Rebecca. 178 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,775 She's young. 179 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,276 I bet she's had tons of options. 180 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,212 (scoffs) Rebecca is the last person I want to tell. 181 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,181 Well, when I let her know that I'm not going to law school 182 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,851 because I'm having this baby, I mean, she's-- 183 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,719 she's not gonna understand. 184 00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:06,954 She is your best friend. 185 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,557 Well, I don't want to burden her. 186 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,826 I mean, she's recovering from not one, but two breakups. 187 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,162 So... 188 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,830 (scrubbing) 189 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:17,831 Okay. 190 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,299 I'm gonna move on. 191 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,268 Yeah. I'm gonna move on, just like Paula said. 192 00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:24,572 I'm gonna figure out who I am 193 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,541 and scrub these men out of my life. 194 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,677 Are you sure you want do that? 195 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:30,944 Greg? 196 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,312 Greg, I knew you wouldn't leave me. 197 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,681 I knew you'd come back! 198 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:34,682 Of course I did. 199 00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:35,983 I could never leave you. 200 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:36,950 And I'm here, too. 201 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,852 What? 202 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,688 BOTH: We will never leave you, Rebecca. 203 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,122 Never. 204 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,857 Great. 205 00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,594 Ghosts. (sighs) 206 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,901 No, no, I know what you guys are. You're dream ghosts. 207 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,002 What? No. 208 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,303 Dream ghosts are lame. 209 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,671 So lame. 210 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,072 We're memory spirits. 211 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:00,540 Coined it! Oh, nice, dude. 212 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:02,976 I pitched ex-ray visions, 213 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,878 but we're not named Ray, so... 214 00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:05,679 (Greg sighs) 215 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,014 Memory spirits are old boyfriends 216 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,148 who haunt their exes. 217 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,883 We are polter-guys. 218 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:10,984 What? 219 00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:11,985 (chuckling): Coined that, too. 220 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:12,986 Dude, that's awesome. 221 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,121 (groans) Okay, 222 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,223 I guess scrubbing you out of my life wasn't enough. 223 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,725 I need to sweep you out. 224 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:18,759 Where's my broom? 225 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:19,727 You can't sweep us out. 226 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:20,661 We're everywhere. 227 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,129 This house is filled with memories of us. 228 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,163 Remember? 229 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,701 * I banged you here 230 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,369 * I nailed you there 231 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,304 * And on this couch * And in this chair 232 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,773 * In the doorway * The hallway 233 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,174 * On every stair 234 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,644 BOTH: * We tapped that ass all over this house * 235 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,612 (tapping) 236 00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,149 * Sometimes him, sometimes me * 237 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,918 * Though never simultaneously 238 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:47,254 * But one of us was hitting it usually * 239 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:49,322 BOTH: * We tapped that ass all over this house * 240 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:52,760 (tapping) 241 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,763 * You'll never escape us 242 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,330 * 'Cause we live in your head 243 00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,768 * Just two swell dudes that you screwed * 244 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:01,902 * Here * And here 245 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,070 * And there * And here 246 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,773 * And even occasionally in your bed * 247 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,941 That bed is really uncomfortable. Right? 248 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,409 It's like a prison cot. 249 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,410 * On the stove 250 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,079 * Over the sink 251 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,080 * And sort of in the fridge 252 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,915 * One time I think 253 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,050 * And then we hit the back patio * 254 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,020 * That's where we hit your back patio-oh! * 255 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,790 * We tapped that ass all over this house * 256 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,761 * How many times did we tap that behind? * 257 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,797 * Well, let's estimate 258 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,799 * On an average day 259 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,967 * I would have to say 260 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,003 Mmm... * A five, six, seven, eight * 261 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,077 What? Too cheeky? 262 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,179 Hey, does this ring a bell? 263 00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,447 (high-pitched): A little to the left. 264 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,849 (high-pitched): Oh, oh, okay, now, 265 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,050 a little to the right. 266 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,184 Oh, oh, wait, wait, 267 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,120 back to the left. 268 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:56,356 Right there, right there. JOSH: Wait, no, 269 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,391 you're doing it wrong. I'll do it myself. 270 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,997 Barkeep, what's on tap? 271 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,899 It's me. And my ass. 272 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,134 Ooh! 273 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,702 Sounds refreshing. 274 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,141 * On the table you were willing and able * 275 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,910 * On the ottoman, you took a lotta man * 276 00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,411 * And on the safe in the closet * 277 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,447 * I made a deposit 278 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,317 * I also tapped that ass all over this house * 279 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,921 Let's wrap this up with a big finish! 280 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,824 But where should we finish? 281 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:31,925 Please not on my chest. 282 00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:35,929 No, you'll scratch it. 283 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,165 * On the accent wall 284 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,900 * On the bathroom floor 285 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,202 * You didn't care where * You just wanted more 286 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,038 BOTH: * How much more tappin' could one ass endure? * 287 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,339 * We tapped that ass 288 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,775 * Tapped that ass * 289 00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,176 * Tapped that ass 290 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,310 * Tapped that ass * 291 00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,112 * We tapped that ass 292 00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:57,117 * All over this house! 293 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,819 Goodbye, Josh. 294 00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,788 Goodbye, Greg. 295 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,956 Adios, Josh. 296 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,759 Fare-thee-well, Gregorino. 297 00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:07,494 Mm-hmm. 298 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,929 Hmm. 299 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,801 Mm. 300 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,944 (sirens wailing) 301 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,914 (knocks on door) 302 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:29,382 Oh, good, you're up. Okay, so, 303 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,786 (voice breaking): can I sleep here tonight, please? 304 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:42,062 (groans) 305 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,430 Oh, my God, that was you? 306 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:44,932 You lit the fire? 307 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,800 No, no, no, okay, so I was trying to burn 308 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,236 some ex-boyfriend memorabilia. 309 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,570 And it was all an accident. 310 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,106 Well, not the fire, but the fire! 311 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,876 Ah, well, you could've burned down the whole complex. 312 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:59,446 I was gonna run out and see it, but then I was tired. Okay, 313 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,348 so, I'm tired too, so I'll just... 314 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,816 I'll just-I'll just sleep here, yeah? 315 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:03,851 MRS. DAVIS: Heather? 316 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,119 Is everything okay? 317 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,421 Oh, hello, hi. 318 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,257 Who are you? Heather, I thought 319 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,860 you lived alone. What? No, I live with my parents. 320 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,161 You know that. 321 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,395 I do? 322 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,130 You've met them. 323 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,298 I have? 324 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,100 Your parking spot is next to mine. 325 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,401 And I was the one who kept getting 326 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,403 your Playbill Magazine, remember? 327 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,405 And you keep scraping the side of my car? 328 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:28,408 (robot voice): Mm. Searching database for facial recognition. 329 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:32,012 Beep, beep, beep, eh, matches not found. 330 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,381 (laughter) Don't be weird. 331 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,284 I'm so sorry to wake you, Mr. and Mrs. Heather. 332 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,518 Davis. My last name's Davis. 333 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,887 What's wrong with you? 334 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,554 I was in a fire. 335 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,290 (crying): It was so scary. 336 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,526 Oh, thank you. HEATHER: Aw. No. 337 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,161 It's okay. I mean... 338 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,398 Ugh. Okay, Mom, Dad, can Rebecca crash on the sofa, 339 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,599 or whatever? 340 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,035 Of course, I'll go get a blanket. 341 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,537 And I make some mean pancakes, Heather will tell you. 342 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,873 Oh, well, good, I-I am kind of hungry. 343 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:03,210 Well, I was thinking more breakfast, but sure, why not? 344 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,611 Guys, it's 2:00 a.m. 345 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,080 Which means it's morning. Dad... 346 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:10,083 Heather, your parents are so nice. 347 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,485 (drawn-out groan) Yeah. 348 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,954 Do you want strawberry cat ears, 349 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,423 or blueberry smiles on those flapjacks? 350 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,159 Get out of my head, you angel. 351 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,961 Both, I'll take both! 352 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,596 (inhales deeply and sniffs) 353 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,468 Where is she? 354 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,536 She went to work, dear. 355 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,271 She borrowed some of my clothes. 356 00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,940 Why, what's wrong? 357 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,175 This. 358 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,311 Photo credit, the jerk in 7B. (phone beeps) 359 00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:39,546 DISPATCH: 911, what is your emergency? 360 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,114 REBECCA: Well, I was in a love triangle 361 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,649 with two best friends named Josh and Greg 362 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,917 and they both rejected me, so I tried to light a fire 363 00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,218 and burn all their stuff 364 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,586 and it's so smoky in here and I'm so sad. 365 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,155 Hold on, I have to poo. 366 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,456 DISPATCH: Ma'am, is there a fire in your house? 367 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,324 Don't go into your bathroom. 368 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,560 REBECCA: Okay, I'll poo outside. What is your name, Ma'am? 369 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,595 My name is Rebecca Nora Bunch from West Covina. 370 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,431 (groans) I'm in the backyard and I got poo on my shoes. Hurry. 371 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,133 (elevator dings) 372 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,711 What? 373 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,314 Are you okay? 374 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,949 Oh, you must be so humiliated. 375 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,117 KAREN: If I were you, 376 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,485 I would start working on an alias. 377 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,354 Karen, I'm totally fine. 378 00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:25,258 Mine would be Eva Longoria. What? 379 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,659 That's already someone. 380 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:29,296 Is it? 381 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,000 REBECCA: (groans) I'm in the backyard and I got 382 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,034 poo on my shoes. Hurry. 383 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:39,739 (mouse click) 384 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,141 (mouse click) DISPATCH: 911, was it your emergency? 385 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,342 Okay, no, enough of this, 386 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,743 we're not watching this anymore. 387 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,346 Okay, this is gonna blow over in, like, two seconds. 388 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,381 What are you wearing, by the way? 389 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:51,351 Mm, it's Heather's mom's clothes. 390 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,553 I can't go back to my apartment, like, ever. 391 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,155 It's okay, I'll go to your apartment and get your things. 392 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,389 Memory spirits will not mess 393 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:57,690 with Mama Paula. 394 00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:01,528 (moans) Thank you. Okay. (chuckles) 395 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,563 (sighs) 396 00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:07,434 You don't think that many people saw this, do you? 397 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,036 Uh... 398 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,372 Like, like, Josh and Greg haven't seen it. 399 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:15,042 No, no. 400 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:19,046 No, no, no, I don't think anybody sent it to them. 401 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:22,215 Hey, forget me, forget this, what-what's new with you? 402 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:25,118 Me? Uh, nothing. 403 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,586 Are you sure? Because you've seemed a little 404 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:27,754 I don't know, distracted lately, 405 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,356 and I want to be a good friend. 406 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,058 Tell me, I'm a good listener. 407 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,192 (crying): I'm a good listener. 408 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,593 So just tell me! 409 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:37,464 Okay. Babe, why don't you go home, 410 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,766 and take like a... personal disaster day 411 00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,202 No, no, I want to be in the meeting! 412 00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,803 Okay, are you sure? 413 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,539 'Cause it's a douche company and Karen's gonna be there 414 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:48,741 just talking all about her vagina. 415 00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,477 and we're just gonna be throwing up. 416 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,113 No, no, it'll make me feel better to work. 417 00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:57,617 And plus, I want to prove to everyone that I'm okay. 418 00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,419 DARRYL: Okay! 419 00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:01,621 Is everybody ready to get their douche on? 420 00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,490 (laughs) 421 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,258 Oh. 422 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:06,559 I am so sorry if I offended. 423 00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,161 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That was just... 424 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,563 I am not offended by the word "douche" at all. 425 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,099 (chuckles) No. Oh. 426 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:14,467 At Miss Douche, we are very proud of our products 427 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,236 and everything they do for women. 428 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,071 No, we're honored the women entrust us 429 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,440 with the care and cleanliness of their special parts. 430 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,641 (shudders) 431 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,177 Personally, I am a fan. 432 00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,246 I've been using your products for years. 433 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,414 Would you sign my box? 434 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:28,415 Her douche box. 435 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,150 Maybe later. 436 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,485 Look, we-we want to reclaim the word "douche." 437 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,686 We think it could be the cornerstone 438 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,255 of female empowerment. 439 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,257 Empowerment? 440 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,227 Well, yes! We know that our company's image is retro 441 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,395 and that's why we're re-branding. 442 00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,131 We're moving into new market places, 443 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,865 we're redefining ourselves. 444 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,800 Hence the new facility in Pomona you're working on. 445 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,203 Yeah, new headquarters, new image, new us. 446 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,404 We are starting over. 447 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:52,605 Starting over, yeah. 448 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,207 Yeah, our name and image 449 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,276 are a liability, we get that, you know. 450 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,844 People sometimes laugh, 451 00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:01,281 they childishly giggle at us. 452 00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:04,517 Let alone all the anti-douching research funded by Big Vagina. 453 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,653 Nothing worse than Big Vagina. 454 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,255 Oh, amen. 455 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,423 No, but when I am done with this re-branding, 456 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:11,791 no one will laugh at me. 457 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:15,328 I mean, us... anymore. (chuckles) 458 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,834 You know, um, you know, re-branding, 459 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,137 you were talking about that, and I'm so fascinated by that 460 00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,338 from a business perspective. Oh. 461 00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,707 Tell me, how does a person or a business 462 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,309 completely change their entire identity 463 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,577 so that everyone forgets what they were like before? 464 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,811 Well, for us, 465 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,480 it starts with a new marketing push. 466 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,315 We're launching a new Miss Douche logo. 467 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,717 So instead of an illustration, she'll be a real woman, 468 00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,552 flesh and blood. 469 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,588 Probably should not mention blood when I'm pitching it. 470 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,855 Anyway, we're looking for her now. 471 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,724 How are you doing that? 472 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,459 Oh, it's a grass roots viral campaign. 473 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,495 So, the contestants send their photos to us on Instagram. 474 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,497 The five with the most likes become the finalists, 475 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,600 and then we pick the winner. Oh, God, 476 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,335 When the world sees the new Miss Douche 477 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,704 on-on a billboard, a pop-up ad or on TV, 478 00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,373 they're just gonna say, "Wow, look at that new Miss Douche! 479 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:03,243 (elevator dings) She really has her act together." 480 00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:12,585 Paula, Paula, can you do all the research 481 00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:14,221 for the permitting for Trina's case? 482 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,922 I need you to pull blueprints, 483 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,324 file motions, set hearings-- 484 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,325 Uh-Uh, I can't do those things. 485 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,227 I'm not a lawyer. 486 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,328 Oh, but you basically are. 487 00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,895 And you're the only person 488 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,297 I would trust to take this over. 489 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:25,465 Listen, I have to recuse myself 490 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,966 from the case. 491 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,836 I have a conflict of interest. 492 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,304 What are you talking about? 493 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,873 Paula, I need to become a douche. 494 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,177 Miss Douche! 495 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,652 Ow! This Miss Douche case 496 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,488 is so complicated. 497 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,458 Look at us, dividing up our domestic duties. 498 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,926 Are you cooking or doing inventory? 499 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,896 I'm making bacon-wrapped chicken, 500 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:59,332 and, uh... it's hard. 501 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,500 Babe, I see what you're doing here, 502 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,470 and I-I really appreciate it. 503 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,738 You're trying to show me that I can go to law school 504 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,941 and have a baby, and that our lives can still work. 505 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:12,279 Exactly. See, I'm crushing it. 506 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,447 (chuckles) 507 00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:17,884 Tommy, Brendan, dinner. 508 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,854 Tommy! 509 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,291 Tommy! Where the hell is Tommy? 510 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,293 I'm gonna count to three, young man. 511 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,694 Don't let me get to three! 512 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,296 One, two... 513 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,930 Oh, I completely forgot to pick up Tommy. Shoot! 514 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:34,701 Uh, Brendan, go get Tommy. 515 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,703 My license is suspended again. 516 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,770 Just go get him. 517 00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,406 Uh, take the back roads. 518 00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:45,912 So I, uh... I need a little practice 519 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,315 in the domestic arts, but I'll get there. 520 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,682 Honey, I'm gonna call the law school tomorrow 521 00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:51,284 and tell them that I can't go. 522 00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:53,853 We are overwhelmed on our best day. 523 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,856 And we cannot add a baby and law school 524 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,891 to this. 525 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,628 But you love law, and you're good at it. 526 00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,696 And you have the perfect name for a lawyer-- 527 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,565 Paula Proctor, Esquire. 528 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,334 The only better job would be-- 529 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,402 Paula Proctor, Doctor. Stop it. 530 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:12,439 We have made a decision, 531 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,774 and we need to stop talking about it. 532 00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:20,613 Now let's eat around some chicken. 533 00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:22,549 * 534 00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,317 (dog barking in distance) 535 00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:25,752 So, it's a contest (crunches) 536 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,854 to see who will be the new Miss Douche! 537 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,857 Ooh, a contest. Wonderful! I love Miss Douche. 538 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:33,860 It's been around since I was a kid. My mother used it! 539 00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:35,828 She always smelled like a salad. 540 00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,997 Exactly! Ew. This whole thing is dumb. 541 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:40,900 The only thing grosser than a douche is an internet contest. 542 00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:43,870 Heather, I need to do this, okay? I need to re-brand. 543 00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:46,773 My 9-1-1 video is up to 10,000 hits, 544 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,908 and everyone I've ever met is now texting me, saying things 545 00:21:48,941 --> 00:21:51,378 like, "Are you okay? I saw the video." 546 00:21:51,411 --> 00:21:53,112 I need to change the narrative. 547 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,981 If I'm Miss Douche, 548 00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:57,617 then everyone will know that I'm okay. Everyone. 549 00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,852 Josh and Greg and Audra Levine 550 00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:02,054 and my mother, my garbage father... everybody! 551 00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:04,657 So you want everyone to see you as a douche. 552 00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:06,926 (gasps) MRS. DAVIS: Honey, you're not being supportive. 553 00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:08,961 I'm repeating what she said. Okay, 554 00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:10,430 so let's see who has the most likes. 555 00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:11,931 Help me scope out the competish. 556 00:22:11,964 --> 00:22:12,865 Okay. So, these are 557 00:22:12,899 --> 00:22:14,934 the girls who have the most likes so far. 558 00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:16,969 Okay... 559 00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:18,838 And... all right. 560 00:22:18,871 --> 00:22:21,340 Okay, there's that girl... 561 00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:26,679 Mm-hmm. This is not for you. 562 00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:28,415 What do you mean? They all look like 563 00:22:28,448 --> 00:22:31,083 gorgeous mermaids who grew feet and went to Coachella. 564 00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:32,952 Oh, I could look like that. Sure, if you had 565 00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:34,687 five years, a team of professionals 566 00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:35,988 and different DNA. 567 00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:37,557 MRS. DAVIS: Honey, that's not nice. 568 00:22:37,590 --> 00:22:38,725 Heather. 569 00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:40,593 You are smart, but wrong. 570 00:22:40,627 --> 00:22:41,861 I can look like that. 571 00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,362 All I need is one thing. 572 00:22:44,997 --> 00:22:48,401 I need what every girl needs after a breakups. 573 00:22:49,902 --> 00:22:51,103 A makeover! MR. AND MRS. DAVIS: Oh! 574 00:22:51,137 --> 00:22:52,439 Cue the song! 575 00:22:52,472 --> 00:22:54,441 Oh, you're right! 576 00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:56,042 * She needs a makeover 577 00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:57,744 * A makeover, a makeover MR. DAVIS: Hey! 578 00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:59,646 Mom, no. Mom. No. 579 00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:01,514 It's something like... No, it's something like, that's what I... 580 00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:03,483 it's kind of something like that, in my head. 581 00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:04,884 * 582 00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:15,528 * It's a make... over, makey-makeover * 583 00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:18,865 * It's a makey-makey-makey- makey-makey makeover * 584 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:22,034 * Old you in the garbage, new you in display case * 585 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:25,071 * Old you was a diaper, new you is a diamond * 586 00:23:25,104 --> 00:23:27,774 * Makeover, it's a makey-makeover * 587 00:23:27,807 --> 00:23:31,177 * It's a makey-lakey-wakey- fakey-bakey-makeover * 588 00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:32,845 * Process 589 00:23:32,879 --> 00:23:34,013 * Process 590 00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:37,450 * Reveal, reveal 591 00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:39,085 * Hairs, nailies 592 00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:40,687 * Sparkle magic horse (horse neighs) 593 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,590 * Makeover, it's a makey-makeover * 594 00:23:43,623 --> 00:23:46,793 * It's a makey-lakey-wakey- fakey-bakey-cakey-rakey-nakey * 595 00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:48,094 * I had a stroke 596 00:23:48,127 --> 00:23:49,896 * I had a stroke 597 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,163 * I had a stroke 598 00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:52,499 * I had a stroke. 599 00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:54,033 (elevator dings) 600 00:23:54,066 --> 00:23:56,068 * 601 00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,649 Wow. 602 00:24:09,682 --> 00:24:11,951 Look at... you! 603 00:24:11,984 --> 00:24:14,687 I woke up like this. (chuckles) 604 00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:16,222 So, I didn't really wake up like this, 605 00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,190 but don't tell anybody, okay? 606 00:24:18,224 --> 00:24:20,459 Okay. Okay. Yeah. 607 00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:31,771 Hey. 608 00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:34,974 Paula, I feel like you're not vibing with my new vibe. 609 00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:36,509 I-It's great. 610 00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:37,510 (phone beeps) 611 00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:38,545 Okay. 612 00:24:38,578 --> 00:24:40,112 (unlocks iPhone) 613 00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:41,714 (gasps) Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Yes! I went 614 00:24:41,748 --> 00:24:44,717 so way up in likes! I paid a bunch of bots 615 00:24:44,751 --> 00:24:46,519 to like my photos-- it only cost me five grand-- 616 00:24:46,553 --> 00:24:49,188 and... (gasps) I'm in the top ten for Miss Douche. 617 00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:50,690 Oh, my God, I'm so close. 618 00:24:50,723 --> 00:24:52,559 Okay. Honey, I know that you are really sad 619 00:24:52,592 --> 00:24:54,226 that Josh and Greg... dumped you, 620 00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:56,896 and you have done a classic post-breakup makeover... 621 00:24:56,929 --> 00:25:00,299 Paula. You don't understand. So, when I'm Miss Douche, 622 00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:01,801 the entire world is gonna see 623 00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:04,203 how awesome and effortless I now am. 624 00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:07,707 I mean, it only takes me two hours to achieve this look. 625 00:25:07,740 --> 00:25:09,842 I mean, four if I haven't had coffee. Okay, well, 626 00:25:09,876 --> 00:25:12,178 this look... is not going to bring 627 00:25:12,211 --> 00:25:14,313 either of them back. I know that. 628 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:15,915 This isn't just about Josh and Greg, 629 00:25:15,948 --> 00:25:17,850 this is about feeling good about myself. 630 00:25:17,884 --> 00:25:19,819 I mean, I finally feel, Paula, 631 00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:22,622 like I've found the true, authentic me. 632 00:25:22,655 --> 00:25:24,557 (laughs) "Authentic." Yeah. 633 00:25:24,591 --> 00:25:27,059 So authentic that you stapled horse hair to your head. 634 00:25:27,093 --> 00:25:29,562 Okay. You sound real stupid, 635 00:25:29,596 --> 00:25:31,030 because it's not staples, it's glue. 636 00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:32,231 And it's not horse hair, 637 00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:34,567 it's dead people hair, so... 638 00:25:36,903 --> 00:25:39,038 Oops. Sorry. 639 00:25:39,071 --> 00:25:41,173 I... need some more glue. 640 00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:42,975 Not stapes, so... 641 00:25:43,009 --> 00:25:44,611 B.R.B. 642 00:25:47,847 --> 00:25:48,981 (exhales) 643 00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:51,584 (birds chirping) 644 00:25:51,618 --> 00:25:53,620 Mm... 645 00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:06,065 (exhales) 646 00:26:06,098 --> 00:26:08,100 Oh. Hey, Josh. 647 00:26:08,134 --> 00:26:11,070 Um... hello, Miss. 648 00:26:11,103 --> 00:26:13,272 No! Josh, Josh, it's-it's... 649 00:26:13,305 --> 00:26:14,974 It's me, it's Becks! 650 00:26:15,007 --> 00:26:16,976 Oh... 651 00:26:17,009 --> 00:26:19,011 Wow. 652 00:26:19,045 --> 00:26:20,379 Rebecca? 653 00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:22,615 You look so... 654 00:26:22,649 --> 00:26:24,150 So... 655 00:26:24,183 --> 00:26:26,619 Look at you! I know, 656 00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:28,955 right? It's-it's great. I'm doing this contest, 657 00:26:28,988 --> 00:26:31,758 and did you not see my Instagram pic of my makeover? 658 00:26:31,791 --> 00:26:33,860 Said, hashtag "alwayshydrate"? I mean, 659 00:26:33,893 --> 00:26:35,628 I haven't checked all the likes, there are so many likes. 660 00:26:35,662 --> 00:26:37,296 So, I couldn't tell if... if you were on there. 661 00:26:37,329 --> 00:26:39,298 Oh. I haven't been online for a while. 662 00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,133 I'm on an internet cleanse. I do it 663 00:26:41,167 --> 00:26:42,769 every once in a while. Just... Sometimes, 664 00:26:42,802 --> 00:26:44,871 there's crazy stuff online that... 665 00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:47,306 you know, bums me out, you know what I mean? 666 00:26:47,339 --> 00:26:48,908 Josh, if you're talking about that 9-1-1 667 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,777 phone call, and the fire... 668 00:26:50,810 --> 00:26:52,411 You know, I've been meaning to tell you, I wasn't 669 00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,380 screaming "Josh, Greg, Josh, Greg," that wasn't about you, 670 00:26:54,413 --> 00:26:56,315 that was about my good friend Josh Greg, 671 00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:58,751 with whom I went to both Harvard and Yale, and he's 672 00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:02,054 in a really bad place, 'cause his cousin just died. 673 00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:03,656 What 9-1-1 call? 674 00:27:03,690 --> 00:27:05,324 I was talking about people who post pictures 675 00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,660 of polar bears on melting ice caps. 676 00:27:07,694 --> 00:27:08,795 What fire? 677 00:27:08,828 --> 00:27:11,063 Oh, so you didn't hear about... 678 00:27:11,097 --> 00:27:13,132 D-uh, uh, the... it's-it's... oh, my gosh. It's a... 679 00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:16,068 it was... no, no, no. It's noth... Mm-mm. Mm-mm. And... and 680 00:27:16,102 --> 00:27:18,805 you're in a contest? Is it a... costume contest? 681 00:27:18,838 --> 00:27:20,406 Is that why you're wearing that... 682 00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:22,208 funny costume? (chuckles softly) 683 00:27:22,241 --> 00:27:24,811 Uh, no. It's not a... it's not a costume. 684 00:27:24,844 --> 00:27:27,113 This is... um, this is how I dress now. 685 00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:29,415 This is my new... my look. 686 00:27:30,850 --> 00:27:32,685 Oh, s... uh. 687 00:27:32,719 --> 00:27:34,420 Rebecca. I'm sorry. 688 00:27:34,453 --> 00:27:36,689 No... Whatever you're going through right now, 689 00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:38,357 uh... it'll get better. 690 00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:40,292 I promise. 691 00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:44,230 Okay, but it can't get better when it's already the best. 692 00:27:44,263 --> 00:27:46,866 Take care, Rebecca. 693 00:27:46,899 --> 00:27:49,101 Cool. I don't need taking care of, though, so... 694 00:27:49,135 --> 00:27:51,771 (sighs) 695 00:27:51,804 --> 00:27:53,806 * 696 00:27:56,408 --> 00:27:58,745 (groans) Get up. 697 00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:00,012 Get up! Mm! 698 00:28:00,046 --> 00:28:01,013 You've been sleeping for, like, 699 00:28:01,047 --> 00:28:02,749 two days! Aah! 700 00:28:02,782 --> 00:28:05,284 Your expensive bots pushed your likes over the edge. 701 00:28:05,317 --> 00:28:07,319 Dude, you made it into the finals! 702 00:28:07,353 --> 00:28:10,823 So, like, get up and go to your dumb contest. 703 00:28:10,857 --> 00:28:13,059 Try to be Miss Douche, you idiot. 704 00:28:13,092 --> 00:28:14,193 Wait. I made it? 705 00:28:14,226 --> 00:28:15,962 Yeah. Oh... 706 00:28:15,995 --> 00:28:19,065 Oh, yeah. I was a pretty hot girl. 707 00:28:19,098 --> 00:28:22,101 No, it doesn't matter 'cause I give up. What... 708 00:28:22,134 --> 00:28:24,837 You can't give up. You put in all that stupid effort. 709 00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:26,272 Eh. MR. DAVIS: Rebecca. 710 00:28:26,305 --> 00:28:28,875 Here. I made something for you 711 00:28:28,908 --> 00:28:30,176 with a special cookie cutter 712 00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:32,111 and lots of love. 713 00:28:32,144 --> 00:28:33,512 Thank you, Mr. Heather. 714 00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:35,414 She's refusing to go to her dumb contest. 715 00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:37,116 Tell her that she has to go. 716 00:28:37,149 --> 00:28:38,317 I don't know, honey. 717 00:28:38,350 --> 00:28:40,386 She really seems like she wants to quit. 718 00:28:40,419 --> 00:28:41,888 MR. DAVIS: Rebecca, sweetie, 719 00:28:41,921 --> 00:28:44,256 you don't have to do anything you started. 720 00:28:44,290 --> 00:28:45,257 What... Yay. 721 00:28:45,291 --> 00:28:46,392 No... What? 722 00:28:46,425 --> 00:28:48,828 She permanently damaged her appearance 723 00:28:48,861 --> 00:28:50,462 and she needs to see this thing through. 724 00:28:50,496 --> 00:28:52,498 We never made you do that, honey. 725 00:28:52,531 --> 00:28:54,500 Yes. You tried a lot of different things 726 00:28:54,533 --> 00:28:56,035 and we supported you 727 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:58,104 every time you wanted to quit something. 728 00:28:58,137 --> 00:28:59,772 We still have all the musical instruments 729 00:28:59,806 --> 00:29:01,307 you only played for a week. 730 00:29:01,340 --> 00:29:04,877 (moans) You guys are talking so loud! Okay, 731 00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:05,945 No. No... 732 00:29:05,978 --> 00:29:07,046 Get up! No! 733 00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:08,915 You get up! (whimpers) 734 00:29:08,948 --> 00:29:10,783 You wanted to show the world you were okay after that 735 00:29:10,817 --> 00:29:12,919 embarrassing 9-1-1 video, so come on! 736 00:29:12,952 --> 00:29:14,286 Let's go! (rips) 737 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,322 That's disgusting. 738 00:29:16,355 --> 00:29:19,058 Girl, get your hair glue and let's vámonos, 739 00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:21,160 which is the only word I know in Spanish 740 00:29:21,193 --> 00:29:23,462 'cause I only took it for a week. 741 00:29:23,495 --> 00:29:25,331 * 742 00:29:25,364 --> 00:29:27,066 ANNOUNCER: Our next contestant 743 00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:30,069 is Melanie Muñoz from Fort Lauderdale. (applause) 744 00:29:35,207 --> 00:29:39,445 Miss Muños, do you yourself use the Miss Douche product? 745 00:29:39,478 --> 00:29:42,048 Absolutely. Freshness is so important to me. 746 00:29:42,081 --> 00:29:44,083 It gives me confidence to go about my day, 747 00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:46,953 knowing I don't have any unnecessary bacteria. 748 00:29:46,986 --> 00:29:49,188 So, I feel free and relaxed. 749 00:29:49,221 --> 00:29:51,323 And free. (chuckles) 750 00:29:51,357 --> 00:29:53,192 (applause) 751 00:29:53,225 --> 00:29:55,094 ANNOUNCER: Okay. 752 00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:56,362 Rebecca Bunch! 753 00:29:56,395 --> 00:29:58,831 (whooping, applause) 754 00:29:58,865 --> 00:30:00,132 (whoops) 755 00:30:03,402 --> 00:30:04,370 (sighs) 756 00:30:04,403 --> 00:30:06,238 Well, Miss Bunch. 757 00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:08,007 We at Miss Douche were surprised 758 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,842 to see you enter this competition, 759 00:30:09,876 --> 00:30:11,978 knowing you and... and knowing your background. 760 00:30:12,011 --> 00:30:15,848 (laughs) You are a most unusual candidate. 761 00:30:15,882 --> 00:30:19,418 An Ivy League education, a fulltime career, and yet, 762 00:30:19,451 --> 00:30:23,089 you still say you have time to be a, um... 763 00:30:23,122 --> 00:30:27,026 "Mad chill SoCal sun soaker!" 764 00:30:27,059 --> 00:30:28,995 Yes. 765 00:30:29,028 --> 00:30:30,296 Um. 766 00:30:30,329 --> 00:30:33,165 Well... I would say... 767 00:30:33,199 --> 00:30:36,002 that I try to be everything a modern woman 768 00:30:36,035 --> 00:30:38,570 should aspire to be. Um... 769 00:30:38,604 --> 00:30:40,406 Sort of a... a cross between Beyoncé 770 00:30:40,439 --> 00:30:43,009 and Sheryl Sandberg. Well. 771 00:30:43,042 --> 00:30:45,544 Well, we want to know more about the real you. 772 00:30:45,577 --> 00:30:47,046 What... what drives you? 773 00:30:47,079 --> 00:30:49,448 Well, I guess what I'm saying is... 774 00:30:50,449 --> 00:30:53,252 Who are you, Rebecca Bunch? 775 00:30:53,285 --> 00:30:55,021 * 776 00:30:55,054 --> 00:30:57,289 GREG: Yeah. Who are you, Bunch? 777 00:30:57,323 --> 00:30:59,025 JOSH: Yeah. Who are you, Becks? 778 00:30:59,058 --> 00:31:00,426 Uh... 779 00:31:05,932 --> 00:31:07,900 Good morning, Your Honor. You don't have to call me Your Honor. 780 00:31:07,934 --> 00:31:10,236 I'm a planning manager, not a judge. 781 00:31:10,269 --> 00:31:12,138 Yes, Your Honor, sorry. 782 00:31:13,239 --> 00:31:15,074 I am Paula Proctor 783 00:31:15,107 --> 00:31:16,408 from Whitefeather and Associates, 784 00:31:16,442 --> 00:31:19,578 representing Miss Douche Incorporated, LLC. 785 00:31:22,014 --> 00:31:24,416 I have submitted my client's plans for a facility in Pomona, 786 00:31:24,450 --> 00:31:26,585 which houses the lab and offices of 240 employees. 787 00:31:26,618 --> 00:31:28,287 Miss Proctor, could you slow down? 788 00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,556 I understood every other word you just said. 789 00:31:33,692 --> 00:31:34,961 So, the facility 790 00:31:34,994 --> 00:31:36,428 can be zoned for mixed use 791 00:31:36,462 --> 00:31:38,430 and, thereby, be covered 792 00:31:38,464 --> 00:31:40,399 under the light industrial 793 00:31:40,432 --> 00:31:41,567 zoning provisions. 794 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,103 And that is all, Your Honor. 795 00:31:44,136 --> 00:31:45,137 Sorry. 796 00:31:45,171 --> 00:31:46,538 Sorry. That is 797 00:31:46,572 --> 00:31:49,441 all... sir. 798 00:31:49,475 --> 00:31:52,044 (exhales) 799 00:31:52,078 --> 00:31:54,513 Miss Proctor, just going through your paperwork here 800 00:31:54,546 --> 00:31:57,283 and I don't see an esquire behind your name. 801 00:31:59,385 --> 00:32:00,519 Um... 802 00:32:00,552 --> 00:32:02,688 Uh... 803 00:32:02,721 --> 00:32:04,190 You're not an attorney, are you? 804 00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:06,993 Um... 805 00:32:07,026 --> 00:32:09,028 Then who are you, Miss Proctor? 806 00:32:09,061 --> 00:32:11,563 Um... 807 00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:13,432 REBECCA: Who... am I? 808 00:32:13,465 --> 00:32:15,401 Yes, we've asked you three times now. 809 00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:20,539 Right, right, um... but it's hard because I've been 810 00:32:20,572 --> 00:32:23,009 trying to figure that out myself. 811 00:32:23,042 --> 00:32:25,011 Um... 812 00:32:25,044 --> 00:32:27,113 I think what you're asking is, 813 00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:30,049 uh, do I deserve... 814 00:32:30,082 --> 00:32:31,450 to be Miss Douche? 815 00:32:31,483 --> 00:32:33,585 This morning, I didn't think so. 816 00:32:33,619 --> 00:32:37,456 No, I, um... I'm only here because 817 00:32:37,489 --> 00:32:39,258 because of my friend, Heather. 818 00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:40,659 She's right there, yeah. 819 00:32:40,692 --> 00:32:42,728 She reminded me of why I entered this contest 820 00:32:42,761 --> 00:32:44,330 in the first place, which 821 00:32:44,363 --> 00:32:48,600 was to show the world that I'm okay. 822 00:32:52,304 --> 00:32:55,207 But I'm not okay. 823 00:32:55,241 --> 00:32:57,709 No, um... 824 00:32:57,743 --> 00:33:00,046 the truth is I'm heartbroken. 825 00:33:00,079 --> 00:33:02,481 And if you'd like proof of this, 826 00:33:02,514 --> 00:33:06,585 you can see my, um... as YouTube calls it, 827 00:33:06,618 --> 00:33:09,121 "Crazy Lady 911 Phone Call" 828 00:33:09,155 --> 00:33:11,123 all over the Internet. 829 00:33:12,558 --> 00:33:14,226 Wow. 830 00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:16,095 (sighs) 831 00:33:16,128 --> 00:33:17,263 I don't deserve to be Miss Douche. 832 00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:18,297 I-I don't. 833 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,666 I-I'm not, like, chill 834 00:33:20,699 --> 00:33:22,768 and cool... I'm just, I'm not. 835 00:33:22,801 --> 00:33:23,769 You should find someone who's like that, 836 00:33:23,802 --> 00:33:25,237 like my friend, Heather. 837 00:33:25,271 --> 00:33:27,306 She's like that, but I'm... 838 00:33:27,339 --> 00:33:28,640 I'm not, so, um... 839 00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:30,042 peace and love. Ugh. 840 00:33:30,076 --> 00:33:32,044 You can turn off the spotlight. 841 00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:33,412 You don't need... 842 00:33:33,445 --> 00:33:35,114 Really, please, don't. 843 00:33:35,147 --> 00:33:36,448 Ple... can you just put it...? 844 00:33:36,482 --> 00:33:37,483 Okay. 845 00:33:42,288 --> 00:33:44,290 Wow. 846 00:33:45,291 --> 00:33:47,293 So... 847 00:33:47,326 --> 00:33:48,727 who-who are you? 848 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:52,164 Um... 849 00:33:52,198 --> 00:33:53,799 I'm a student. 850 00:33:53,832 --> 00:33:56,402 Okay. 851 00:33:56,435 --> 00:33:58,137 You caught me. 852 00:33:58,170 --> 00:33:59,705 I am not a lawyer. 853 00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:02,408 I wanted to be one. 854 00:34:02,441 --> 00:34:04,543 I was even gonna go back to school. 855 00:34:04,576 --> 00:34:07,746 Yeah. Um, but that's, um... 856 00:34:07,779 --> 00:34:10,749 that's not gonna work out for me. 857 00:34:10,782 --> 00:34:15,854 But, um, listen, I... I did work really hard on this case, sir. 858 00:34:15,887 --> 00:34:17,389 I even let my husband serve 859 00:34:17,423 --> 00:34:19,291 raw poultry to me and my children, okay? 860 00:34:19,325 --> 00:34:21,360 I wrote a hundred page brief. 861 00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:24,730 It is really good and it supports everything I just said, 862 00:34:24,763 --> 00:34:27,466 so if you could, if you could just read it... 863 00:34:27,499 --> 00:34:29,501 please. 864 00:34:30,836 --> 00:34:32,271 I already did. 865 00:34:35,907 --> 00:34:38,310 And you're right, you did a great job. 866 00:34:38,344 --> 00:34:40,246 Better than most lawyers that appear 867 00:34:40,279 --> 00:34:41,313 before this board. 868 00:34:41,347 --> 00:34:42,581 Most of them just phone it in. 869 00:34:42,614 --> 00:34:44,150 I'm going to grant your petition. 870 00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,217 Well done. 871 00:34:45,251 --> 00:34:47,119 Thank you. 872 00:34:47,153 --> 00:34:49,288 If you ask me, you'd make a damn good attorney. 873 00:34:49,321 --> 00:34:51,357 Paula Proctor, Esquire. 874 00:34:51,390 --> 00:34:53,592 It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it? 875 00:34:58,530 --> 00:35:01,767 (door opens and closes) 876 00:35:06,338 --> 00:35:08,374 (exhales) 877 00:35:16,782 --> 00:35:19,618 Oh. 878 00:35:21,287 --> 00:35:22,754 I'm sorry. 879 00:35:22,788 --> 00:35:24,890 I just... I wanted you guys to be proud of me. 880 00:35:24,923 --> 00:35:25,924 You participated. 881 00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:27,259 You should get some sort 882 00:35:27,293 --> 00:35:28,460 of certificate for that. 883 00:35:28,494 --> 00:35:31,763 At least a ribbon, if not a trophy. 884 00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:34,266 That's a great idea, honey. 885 00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,235 We'll stop and get you a ribbon on the way home. 886 00:35:36,268 --> 00:35:38,904 Home, yes, okay, so, here's the thing, guys. 887 00:35:38,937 --> 00:35:41,773 It's been so fun, but... 888 00:35:41,807 --> 00:35:43,275 I think I need to move on. 889 00:35:43,309 --> 00:35:46,378 But I-I'll still see you around, I promise. 890 00:35:46,412 --> 00:35:47,546 You're just saying that. 891 00:35:47,579 --> 00:35:48,947 That's just a thing people say. 892 00:35:48,980 --> 00:35:51,617 No, no, I mean it. 893 00:35:51,650 --> 00:35:53,385 Bring it in, Heathers. 894 00:35:53,419 --> 00:35:54,820 Oh. Come on. 895 00:35:57,723 --> 00:35:59,491 At least we still have Heather. 896 00:35:59,525 --> 00:36:00,492 She'll need us 897 00:36:00,526 --> 00:36:01,827 for the rest of her life. 898 00:36:01,860 --> 00:36:03,295 Come on, honey. Let's go home. 899 00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:07,299 Um, no, sorry, I'm moving out, too. 900 00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:08,700 What? 901 00:36:08,734 --> 00:36:09,868 Guys, I won. 902 00:36:11,737 --> 00:36:13,705 Uh... sorry, what did you win? 903 00:36:13,739 --> 00:36:15,874 I am Miss Douche. 904 00:36:15,907 --> 00:36:18,510 It's so weird. 905 00:36:18,544 --> 00:36:21,713 I won ten grand and a lifetime supply of walnut bark douches. 906 00:36:21,747 --> 00:36:23,315 You won something?! 907 00:36:23,349 --> 00:36:24,916 Honey, she won something! 908 00:36:24,950 --> 00:36:27,619 How is that even possible?! 909 00:36:27,653 --> 00:36:31,257 And there's the problem... right there. 910 00:36:31,290 --> 00:36:35,294 Mom, Dad, I love you guys very much, but you reward failure 911 00:36:35,327 --> 00:36:37,796 and that's why I still live at home. 912 00:36:37,829 --> 00:36:38,964 Also, I like the neighborhood. 913 00:36:38,997 --> 00:36:40,466 So many trees. 914 00:36:40,499 --> 00:36:41,467 Come on, Rebecca, 915 00:36:41,500 --> 00:36:42,901 let's go. 916 00:36:42,934 --> 00:36:45,404 We have to start looking for a place to live. 917 00:36:45,437 --> 00:36:46,738 Wait, you want to live with me? 918 00:36:46,772 --> 00:36:47,973 You've spent the last few days 919 00:36:48,006 --> 00:36:49,875 insulting every one of my decisions. 920 00:36:49,908 --> 00:36:50,909 Yeah, exactly. 921 00:36:50,942 --> 00:36:52,611 You need me... really badly. 922 00:36:52,644 --> 00:36:53,979 but I don't have any credit, 923 00:36:54,012 --> 00:36:55,381 so you're gonna have to cosign. 924 00:36:55,414 --> 00:36:57,616 Hope you don't mind. 925 00:36:57,649 --> 00:36:58,784 I have so many questions. 926 00:37:06,625 --> 00:37:09,528 You feeling okay? 927 00:37:10,529 --> 00:37:12,531 Yeah. Not too bad. 928 00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:15,667 Doctor said you might need to rest up for a bit. 929 00:37:15,701 --> 00:37:18,604 I was gonna make you dinner but, uh, I figured you've been 930 00:37:18,637 --> 00:37:21,340 through enough today, so I'm ordering pizza. 931 00:37:21,373 --> 00:37:23,509 Oh... you are the best. 932 00:37:23,542 --> 00:37:25,344 (chuckles) Thank you. 933 00:37:25,377 --> 00:37:26,778 (doorbell rings) BRENDAN: Mom, I'll get it 934 00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:28,380 since you just had an abortion! 935 00:37:28,414 --> 00:37:31,717 You're a good son, Brendan! 936 00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:36,555 I love you, Paula Proctor, Esquire. 937 00:37:37,589 --> 00:37:39,358 I love you, too, honey. 938 00:37:39,391 --> 00:37:40,359 BRENDAN: Mom! 939 00:37:40,392 --> 00:37:41,727 It's Rebecca! 940 00:37:45,864 --> 00:37:47,299 Hi. 941 00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,567 Hi. 942 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:49,901 Oh, wow. 943 00:37:49,935 --> 00:37:51,903 Oh, Go... thank God, you're not blonde. 944 00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:53,572 I thought you liked it. 945 00:37:53,605 --> 00:37:54,573 Yeah, oh, no, I kind of did. 946 00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:56,308 I did. It's just... 947 00:37:56,342 --> 00:37:57,309 oh, it just wasn't you. 948 00:37:57,343 --> 00:37:58,577 Yeah, yeah, you're right. 949 00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:00,779 So, Darryl said you called in sick. 950 00:38:00,812 --> 00:38:01,780 Are you okay? 951 00:38:01,813 --> 00:38:04,816 Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. 952 00:38:06,885 --> 00:38:09,321 Look, I know something's been up with you lately 953 00:38:09,355 --> 00:38:10,656 and I want to know what it is. 954 00:38:10,689 --> 00:38:12,558 Really, I mean it this time. 955 00:38:14,526 --> 00:38:16,294 I just... 956 00:38:20,366 --> 00:38:22,368 You know, I had a thing. 957 00:38:22,401 --> 00:38:23,669 I figured it out. 958 00:38:23,702 --> 00:38:25,871 It's... I'm just so happy to see you. 959 00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:29,875 Oh, God, you-you just, you seem so much better. 960 00:38:29,908 --> 00:38:31,543 Yeah. 961 00:38:31,577 --> 00:38:33,679 You know, I realized that I was trying to change 962 00:38:33,712 --> 00:38:36,047 my outside instead of my inside. 963 00:38:36,081 --> 00:38:38,750 I mean, it's exactly what I did with Josh and Greg, you know, 964 00:38:38,784 --> 00:38:41,620 letting outside relationships define me. 965 00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:44,523 And I'm... I'm not gonna do that anymore. 966 00:38:44,556 --> 00:38:47,759 Well, that is very wise, my dear. 967 00:38:47,793 --> 00:38:51,029 I know Josh and I shouldn't be together. 968 00:38:51,062 --> 00:38:53,765 And I know that Greg's in a better place. 969 00:38:53,799 --> 00:38:55,534 Atlanta. He didn't die. 970 00:38:55,567 --> 00:38:57,969 Um... I know that... 971 00:38:58,003 --> 00:39:00,539 but I just wish I could stop thinking about him... 972 00:39:01,940 --> 00:39:03,542 ...and I think I know how. 973 00:39:05,611 --> 00:39:07,613 Hello? 974 00:39:08,914 --> 00:39:11,550 Anyone here? 975 00:39:11,583 --> 00:39:13,752 Greg? 976 00:39:13,785 --> 00:39:16,555 Ghost Greg? 977 00:39:16,588 --> 00:39:19,491 Am I just talking to myself? 978 00:39:20,492 --> 00:39:22,828 Great, I hate that. 979 00:39:22,861 --> 00:39:25,063 (sighs) 980 00:39:25,096 --> 00:39:27,132 GREG: Hey. 981 00:39:27,165 --> 00:39:29,067 Hey. 982 00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:32,771 You're still here. 983 00:39:32,804 --> 00:39:35,607 Because you're still thinking about me. 984 00:39:35,641 --> 00:39:37,175 Right. 985 00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:40,646 So, about that... 986 00:39:40,679 --> 00:39:42,581 I need you to go. 987 00:39:42,614 --> 00:39:44,650 Um, I did. 988 00:39:44,683 --> 00:39:46,752 I got on a plane. 989 00:39:46,785 --> 00:39:50,589 No, I mean imaginary you. 990 00:39:50,622 --> 00:39:52,624 I need you to stop haunting me. 991 00:39:52,658 --> 00:39:54,660 I need you to get out of my head. 992 00:39:56,495 --> 00:40:01,032 I understand why you had to leave West Covina and... 993 00:40:01,066 --> 00:40:04,002 someday I will be happy for you. 994 00:40:04,035 --> 00:40:07,639 But... just for now... 995 00:40:07,673 --> 00:40:11,042 I need you to leave here... 996 00:40:11,076 --> 00:40:12,611 and here. 997 00:40:12,644 --> 00:40:15,847 But I can stay with you, so when you see tacos 998 00:40:15,881 --> 00:40:19,150 or you watch the dog show, you'll think of me. 999 00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:22,220 No, I don't want that anymore. 1000 00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,956 I need to move on. 1001 00:40:24,990 --> 00:40:27,459 We have to say good-bye. 1002 00:40:28,494 --> 00:40:30,929 Are you sure? 1003 00:40:46,144 --> 00:40:48,113 Good-bye, Greg. 1004 00:40:52,083 --> 00:40:54,152 Good-bye, house. 1005 00:41:00,091 --> 00:41:02,260 HEATHER: To letting go of the past. 1006 00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,696 To letting go of the past. 1007 00:41:04,730 --> 00:41:07,132 Good-bye to my parents and your terrible boyfriends. 1008 00:41:07,165 --> 00:41:10,035 Right. Although, you did also date Greg. 1009 00:41:10,068 --> 00:41:12,771 Meh. All right, what do you think of this house? 1010 00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:15,641 It's 50 thousand a month and it's in Bel Air. 1011 00:41:15,674 --> 00:41:17,275 But it has a bowling alley. 1012 00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:19,778 Hmm... no. 1013 00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:22,648 Okay, never mind, it doesn't matter what house we live in. 1014 00:41:22,681 --> 00:41:24,783 We're gonna have so much fun, roomie. 1015 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:25,951 (chuckles) Oh, yeah. 1016 00:41:25,984 --> 00:41:27,519 Antics will be had. 1017 00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:28,787 Oh, no, I don't antic. 1018 00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,121 Come on. No. 1019 00:41:32,591 --> 00:41:35,561 OMG, sorry, for a second, I thought that person 1020 00:41:35,594 --> 00:41:37,295 housing that donut over there was Valencia. 1021 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:39,264 What? No. Valencia would never eat a... 1022 00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,035 Oh, my God, it's Valencia. 1023 00:41:44,069 --> 00:41:45,837 Run, run, run. 1024 00:41:45,871 --> 00:41:47,806 Uh, run. Run. 1025 00:41:56,815 --> 00:41:59,150 Hi, Valencia.